My New Law Requiring All Shoppers Have A Valid Cart/Trolley Pushing License.

It’s time to introduce a new law. Every single person who wishes to shop in a brick & mortar store must have a valid “Pushing License”—as in pushing a cart / trolley. Raise your hand if you have ever wanted to grab a rudely parked cart and just shove it into the person’s shins? What happens to people’s brains when they grip the handle of a cart? Do shoppers get thrown by the barrage of bright colors, and then, to protect their overloaded brains, enter a state of oblivion? 

It couldn’t be simpler!  Push your cart/trolley as you drive your car. No one is expecting you to learn a new skillset. You can still shop in your yoga pants and gorge on the free samples; just remember you are not the only person in the store.

You all know what I am talking about. You’ve met the space hogs who park right in front of the open-display fridges.  They only need one small item, but they block off an entire section of the fridge by parking alongside. Last week, I watched a shopper stop right in front of the high-demand milk/creamers fridge, park her cart, and then proceeded to text every single person in her contacts list. Countless other shoppers stretched over her cart, reaching down for the gallon jugs of milk before staggering back to their carts. Having no desire to join in these acrobatics, I said, ‘Excuse me, could I get to the milk?” She turned wide-eyed, stunned to find she wasn’t alone on planet earth. Really, is it so hard to just stow your cart on the opposite side and then walk the two whole steps to select your items? My favorite is the person browsing the chilled veg display who positions their cart hard against the first cabinet and then slowly rolls forward all the way to the end while you dance around making mad grabs at stuff as they pass by.  

My Cart or Trolley Pushing School would test your basic knowledge to ensure you know the following: 

Whatever side of the road you drive your car on, push your cart on that same side.

Park and walk! EG: In the veg section, park your cart in the middle next to a display that can be accessed from all sides. Then (deep breath) walk back and forth to your cart. And don’t give me the, “I can’t leave my handbag unattended.” Seriously, if your handbag is so heavy that you can’t just keep it with you, you have no business being in control of a cart, anyway. 

If your side of the aisle is blocked, YOU are the one who waits while others pass. (On more than one occasion, when I waited while the shopper going the other way could pass, they pulled up right next to the display blocking my side, and then proceeded to study every item on her side while I waited.)

And finally, just like the rules of the road, say thank you! I don’t need you to bow and scrape, doff your hat, tug your forelock, or drop to your knees, a simple head nod or smile will suffice. But after I have waited for you, don’t dare sail past without acknowledging me, or you’ll get a can of beans to the head.

How would my Pushing School work:

There would be Pushing Ed (like Drivers Ed) with fake stores set out. You would be tested on all the above. With the first infringement, you get pelted with rotten tomatoes. The second, you have to unpack and repack the freezer section without gloves. The third time you get it wrong, you are permanently relegated to shopping only in the gluten-free aisle.